


The Time Between

by MrsGVakarian



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blue Hawke, Blue-Purple Hawke, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, Everyone Loves Hawke (Dragon Age), Everyone POV, F/F, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Jealous Anders, Jealous Fenris, Jealous Isabela, Jealous Merrill, Legacy DLC (Dragon Age), M/M, Mark of the Assassin DLC, Multi, Other, POV Multiple, Romance, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Unrequited Crush, Vignettes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-07-10 18:50:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15955364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsGVakarian/pseuds/MrsGVakarian
Summary: Dragon Age II in the perspective of everyone except (non-mage, pro-neutral, diplomatic/charming, default looking) F!Hawke. Follows canon storyline except extra parts I’ve added during the time skips as well as changed/added dialogue. Anders/Hawke, Fenris/Hawke. But also Everyone/Hawke. Everyone is mad for Hawke. Fills in the time skips between the acts and follows how everyone became such close friends-and more- throughout the years.Timeline:Ch1 - Spans 1 year. Pre-expedition/Act 1.Ch2 and Ch3 - Spans 3 years. Between Act 1 and Act 2.Ch4 - Spans 1 year. Act 2.Ch5 and Ch6- Spans 3 years. Between Act 2 and Act 3.BonusCh - Occurs during the same time. Mini-chapter for MOTA.Ch7 - Spans 1 year. Act 3.BonusCh - Occurs during Act 3. Mini-chapter for Legacy.Ch8 - May span around 4 years. Aftermath.Timeline is subject to change as I write. Enjoy!





	1. Well Met

**Author's Note:**

> What happened before the Deep Roads Expedition.

Varric couldn’t help but be amused as the clueless boy shoved past his mark, sloppily grabbing her coin purse. As the dwarf expected, she whirled around in an instant, yelling after the kid. Varric sprung into action, gripping Bianca and grinning wildly. Shooting a thief and returning his mark’s coin? He couldn’t ask for a better introduction. 

Hawke, she called herself, and her sister Bethany Hawke. Varric didn’t question the lack of a first name- he was no stranger to secrets. He confidently outlined his plan to her to convince his rash brother of the opportunity in front of them. He saw she was a fellow opportunist when he spied that spark of curiosity in her eye at the words “business partner.” This was the start of a beautiful partnership, Varric knew.

And while Varric wasn't sure where this partnership would take them, he could feel the potential. 

/

Hawke seemed to have no qualms about trusting Varric’s information. Hell, she even seemed to trust him after a short while. He first couldn't tell if she was foolish or intuitive, but watching how she held herself, how she regarded her enemies, the way she pinpointed weaknesses, he leant toward the latter. 

He liked Hawke, he decided. But he could do without her asking every passerby if they needed help. Nonetheless, they crossed into Darktown and located the clinic quickly. 

“The templars must really be daft. It took us barely over a day to reach this apostate.” Hawke mused beside him. Varric smirked, pushed open the clinic door and bowed theatrically.

“After you.” 

/

Anders kept his eye on the trio, hesitantly distrustful. It had been a long time since he met people so… honest. Most had an ulterior motive, a want to trick or use him. Yet they seemed so direct. 

Not that they wanted naught. The woman,  _ Hawke _ , made it quite clear they sought him out for his maps and not for the wardens. And no matter how hard he searched those striking blue eyes, he couldn't find any reason to not believe. But here he was, casting suspicious glances at her, her sister and the dwarf as they quietly chatted casually among themselves. The apostate almost wanted them to cackle evilly, attack him, slip up somehow, just do  _ something _ to tell him he wasn't making an ass of himself for being cold and suspicious of them. 

Maker, he wasn't sure what to think. Hawke's eagerness to help him despite that woman's- Aveline’s- protests caught him off guard. She seemed so genuine in her want to help people, to help the mages. He couldn't lie; it drew him toward her. 

All of this was quickly forgotten as Hawke stopped the group and gestured to a man- a mage- across the balcony, and looked to Anders with a single eyebrow raised, waiting for confirmation. Before he could waste any more of his focus on her gaze, he nodded and went to confront his friend. 

/

Isabela’s first thought?  _ Damn _ . 

She was well aware that she herself was a sexy woman. It was one of her strengths, disarming her opponent’s hostile gaze with a slow strut, a sultry smile. And she did well to play it up, revealing both too much and not enough. Just enough to make them double take and want more. Isabela was smart. Her body was as much a weapon as her daggers. She thought she wielded it well. She  _ knew _ she did.

That's why it was a slap in the face to see a gorgeous Fereldan woman striding over, doing all Isabela did and strived to do effortlessly. It wasn't her face, though that was attractive in itself. It wasn't that she was showing skin and swaying her hips. Much the opposite, she was clad in leather armor. It was the way she walked. The way she held herself. That aura of confidence and power. 

It was  _ damned attractive. _

Isabela cringed at her minor bout of jealousy and downed her drink before whirling around and curling a seductive smile, warning the woman about the less-than-charming men in The Hanged Man and was returned with a lighthearted laugh and thanks.  _ Hawke _ was friendly enough, for some reason even offering to help with Hayder. Isabela wasn't about to turn down good help and left the bar with a skip in her step. Looking over her shoulder once again at the beautiful stranger.

She was definitely looking forward to  _ that _ .

/

She liked to think she was understanding, Aveline really did. But for the damn life of her she could not see whatever it was that Hawke saw in that infuriating mage. Everyone else was fine. Actually, everyone else was a peach in comparison. Varric was a sly bastard, but a charming sly bastard and Aveline couldn’t help but laugh at his ridiculous stories. Isabela was… a bitch, yes. Clearly hiding something and a troublemaker through and through. But when the pirate  _ wasn’t _ trying to get under her skin, she was actually quite amusing- especially to poke fun at others with. It was just that one damn mage she couldn’t find common ground with. 

She  _ tried _ to be friendly, she truly did. Yet every question she asked him, every conversation starter, observation, whatever, he managed to tie it into his ridiculous plight of the mages and how guards like her can't be trusted. It's not that she  _ didn't  _ have an opinion on the matter, she just didn't care to scream it off the rooftops like Anders just loves to. 

Who else to rant to but to her good friend? But Hawke, consulatory as ever, just gave her a mildly entertained smile and said that as much as she wish it were so, her friends didn't need to be friends. 

“I care for you both and expect you to have each other's backs in a fight, doesn't nearly mean you have to share drinks and make merry.” Her coy smile just seemed to grow at Aveline’s complaints about fighting at the annoying apostate’s side, until Hawke finally laughed and shook her head. 

“Aveline, I'm asking you to simply tolerate him, not bed the man. You can do that, can't you?” 

Aveline felt her breakfast resurfacing at the thought. 

/

The elf followed her warily, initially unwilling to have his back to any of them. Danger followed Fenris wherever he went. While he wouldn't call Hawke a kindred spirit, that's a bit too romanticized, he could tell she attracted the same kind of precariousness. And she could handle it well, with a definite amount of skill. Maybe that's why he was still with her. 

Maybe it was because of that lusty pirate beside her. She had made it no secret that she found Fenris attractive what with the fact that she got all excited about them recruiting “tall, tattooed, and handsome.” He wasn't easily tempted but he would have to be blind to say he didn't find Isabela enticing. Hawke either, for that matter. Fenris scoffed and fought the urge to slap himself. He was acting like a hormonal  _ boy _ . 

Or maybe it was that he'd been on his own so long that it almost felt nice being in a group. He'd never admit it, of course. But he found himself glad to have allies. Competent ones at that. 

Well, all but that insufferable mage. Fenris badly wished Hawke would leave him at his disgusting clinic instead of bringing him along. It was uncanny. She seemed to  _ enjoy _ the preachy bastard’s company. 

_ Not that you're amusing company yourself.  _ Fenris reminded himself.  _ All you've done is act broody and cold according to Varric.  _ “Contrary to what you seem to believe, laughing doesn't hurt.” the dwarf had teased.

He was pulled from his thoughts at the sound of Hawke's voice. Despite missing the question, her leaning form at the base of the mansion stairs and her inviting smile told him all he needed to know. Fenris grabbed his weapon and headed after her, hiding a smile of his own. 

/

Frankly, Merrill had no idea what she had done to offend everyone. 

Not everyone, she supposed. Varric was very nice. Isabela was fun to talk to. But the others did not seem to like her much. The moment she opened the way to the mountain, Anders and that elf- Fenris?- immediately threw a fit. Calling her crazy, stupid, reckless, all the same things her clan yelled at her. Before they even knew her reasons! Merrill had her reasons, and she was careful! She remembered facing Hawke, expecting more malice. But the woman just regarded her silently, whatever judgements she had seemingly reserved. Or she decided that her friends had said enough for the three of them. When she did speak, Merrill couldn't hide her bubbling excitement and hope at Hawke's curiosity at her intentions with blood magic. Growing heated with mild anger when Anders pulled Hawke aside, warning her not to encourage the blood mage. All while Fenris glowered at the elven girl. She couldn’t help but feel a little triumphant when Hawke gently pushed Anders away, whispering a few words at him before turning and talking solely to Merrill for the rest of the climb and back. The hostile glares from the men were almost tangible against her back. But her focus was on the thoughtful woman who quietly listened to Merrill’s story. 

The rest of that day was wonderful. Hawke and Varric assisting her in buying a house in Lowtown was great fun. There were so many options! Well, an entire three options that quickly turned into the one she bought. Merrill wasn’t sure what horrors Darktown held but evidently it was enough for the two others to reject those places right away. The two helped her move her few possessions and donated some furniture to make the place look nicer the day after. Hawke had then stayed the rest of the day there with her getting to know her better. Merrill felt so.. happy. 

She finally had someone- maybe a friend- who would listen. 

/

_ “So, that explains your whole sexy, tortured look.”  _

The words kept replaying in Anders’ mind. Surely in jest, right? What he thought was a flirtatious smile was probably just teasing. Meaningless flirtations. He'd seen Hawke say all kinds of things to other people, too. Anders was no different, surely, but that didn't stop his mind from drifting. It had been so long since he even considered being close to anyone. He had ruled that sort of affection out of his life as soon as Justice had entered it. The thought that anyone could love him: an abomination was...  _ Maker _ , Anders was getting way ahead of himself. He watches Hawke smile and playfully flirt with others all the time.

But she's never smiled like  _ that _ to anyone else. Unless she has. Unless she has been this whole time. She probably has been this whole time, hasn't she, smiling her enticing smile to tease everyone. He wasn't special.  _ Someone save me from my stupid imaginations.  _ Anders buried his face in his flimsy sack of a pillow. He was still mortified by how he handled the situation.  _ “I should check a looking glass more often” _ ? Andraste’s sake, the him several years ago definitely would have had something smooth to say. Anything would have been better than that. 

Then for some reason he decided that would be the best time to explain Karl. Anders had long decided that Hawke deserved the truth of his initial request for help. But why in Thedas did he decide  _ then _ ?  _ Ah, yes. Talking about your male ex-lover is most certainly how to capture the desire of a stunning woman who… possibly flirted with you.  _ His thoughts taunted him. Yet Hawke hadn't even flinched. Just offered sympathies and a sense of comfort that was refreshingly pure. Even if she may not share his growing affection for her, well. Perhaps it was for the best. 

Someone so genuine and lovely didn't deserve the misery Anders would bring. He swallowed hard and resolved himself to this. At least, he tried to. 

His mind wouldn't stop replaying her words. 

/

The tattooed elf rolled his eyes in annoyance and tried to will his headache away. He was here because Varric offered to buy drinks, not to watch that damned blood mage lose at cards to Isabela. Yet somehow, what was supposed to be a quiet drinking session turned into some irritating group hangout. 

Fenris shook his head and turned to leave, slamming right into Hawke who consequently stumbled over. His admittedly pitiful attempt to catch her sent them both crashing to the floor. He expected annoyance.  _ He _ was already annoyed with himself and he'd most definitely be annoyed if someone had practically shoved him to the floor. But a peal of unbridled laughter was all that came from beside him and he couldn't stop himself from chuckling as well. 

“That's certainly one way of getting me sideways. I had no idea you felt that way, Fenris!” Her teasing voice amusing the both of them further. 

He sat there on the floor a moment longer, reveling in the fact that he was actually smiling. And by the time he looked over to Hawke, she had already stood up and was offering him help off the floor. 

“Come on. Let's go join everyone, shall we?” He gazed over at the others who, with the exception of Anders, were watching in amusement. 

Fenris was surprised at how little regret he felt taking her hand. 

/

_ I can't believe I'm doing this _ . 

Aveline stared at her reflection, insecurity dimming her eyes. She picked up a cloth and wiped invisible dirt off her armor insistently. 

_ I couldn't even ask him on a date. Even for drink. I'm such a fool.  _ She berated herself. 

She wanted to ask Hawke for advice- Maker, she was almost tempted to ask Isabela- but what if this meant nothing? It was only a crush. A fleeting attraction… that has lasted almost a month and a half now. 

Yet Aveline couldn't even  _ speak _ to guardsman Donnic away from the barracks without stuttering like an idiot. He was always so polite about it, too. Asking if she was alright, if she needed something, constantly offering his services… And besides, she's in line for captain! She has to make her move now before it becomes severely inappropriate. 

_ I need help _ . She thought pitifully. It's not that she was completely inept. Okay, she was. But in fairness, she's years out of practice. Aveline hadn't felt the need to seduce anyone for so long. And Wesley understood that. _Wesley-..._

Aveline shook her head before her emotions caught her. Maybe this was a bad idea. At least for now. She was still in mourning despite what she tells others. It's only been a year and a half.

She sighed, drumming her fingers against the barracks table. Hawke promised to visit, but that won't be for another hour or so. Maybe she will ask for advice. 

Probably not. 

/

Hawke rosy cheeked and giggling was definitely a sight to behold. Isabela refilled their glasses and continued. 

“Okay, okay! But then- ooh you'll never guess- after seducing her didn't work, he tried to bribe the guard with the jeweled ring.” Hawke choked slightly whilst trying to drink.

“You're joking! The same one he stole? Didn't he know she would recognize it?” Isabela nodded, grinning. 

“The poor bastard kept looking over at my hiding place silently  _ begging _ for help. I ended up doing so but took the ring as a price. And that's the story of this one." The pirate pointed at a red-jeweled ring on her finger, twisting and turning so it would glitter in the candlelight. She looked over at Hawke, pleased that the inebriated woman loved her stories. But to be fair, who wouldn't? 

Hawke leaned back into the plush armchair, contented and slightly drowsy. She swirled her wine for a moment before frowning. 

“Are we supposed to even be drinking this? It's Fenris’ isn't it?” Isabela shrugged. 

“Who cares? It's our cut for… house-sitting.” Her drinking partner laughed at that. 

“Oh, is  _ that  _ what we're doing? Because I recall  _ someone _ suggesting something about ‘breaking into Fenris’ mansion’ and ‘raiding his wine cellar’.” Hawke retorted, grinning widely. 

“Potato. Pot-ah-to.” 

The disheveled, dark-haired woman shook her head at Isabela, still giggling. 

“I suppose we're less likely to get our ass grabbed here than in The Hanged Man.” Isabela gave her a flirtatious look. 

“That's still up for debate.” 

Hawke, oblivious, pondered that for a moment before smirking. 

“Yes, who knows what Fenris might be into! I hear it's the quiet ones who end up being the most adventurous.” Isabela looked at her with a mixture of amusement and disappointment. But before she could reply, the basement door swung open. 

Fenris walked down the stairs but before he could even react, Hawke clumsily threw her arms around the poor elf, almost knocking him backwards. He quickly found his balance and fought the urge to shove her away before he realized who it was. 

“Hawke!..” Fenris looked around the room at the empty bottles before finding the pirate lounging on a couch, “And Isabela.” The scene was becoming more clear to him. 

“You don’t sound very happy to see me.” Isabela pouted mockingly. He rolled his eyes and looked down at the woman making herself worryingly comfortable in his arms. 

“I'm not. What's wrong with Hawke?” At the sound of her name, Hawke stirred and looked up at the elf. 

“I was worried about you. How did your  _ thing _ go? Why did you want to go without me?” Hawke mumbled, clearly fighting drowsiness. The smell then hit Fenris and he glared at both of them.

“You're drunk? Of course you're drunk. I-... It was fine, Hawke. I was just collecting more information on where Danarius is. Don't… worry.” His voice hesitantly trailed off.

Isabela raised an eyebrow at the elf. She's never seen him comforting someone. Even if he was obviously uncomfortable and awful at it, here he was. It was amusingly out of character. She eyed the rest of him, smirking in realization. He was practically cradling their ringleader, anyone else and she was certain he would drop them by now. And even in the dim candlelight his face seemed flushed.  _ Oh my. _

Isabela packed up her things and strutted toward the door. 

“I'm heading out now- give you two some privacy. You take good care of her, alright?” Fenris looked over, suspicious. 

“Don't get any ideas. I'll just… put her in the guest room.” 

“Whatever you say.” Isabela patted Hawke's hair before striding out. 

Fenris would never admit to standing there a few minutes longer, holding his drunk friend in his arms before shaking himself out of his reverie and laying her in the guest bed. He went to sleep that night with swirling thoughts of the amusing, witty,  _ beautiful _ woman resting in the next room. 

And he felt more confused than ever.

/

“You want us to do  _ what?” _

Varric was annoyed. These guys have been hired to guard someone before, surely. It wasn't that complex a concept. 

“Just make sure she stays safe. The girl's got a bad habit of wandering during the night and I don't want anything bad happening to her, alright?” Varric explained, plastering on his winning smile again. The mercenaries looked at each other and shrugged. 

“But… you don't want the elf to know we're protecting her?” The leader scratched his head. 

“Nah, stay out of sight. You'll get paid extra if this all goes off without a hitch.” He persuaded. The thugs nodded, took Varric's coin, and then left. The dwarf sighed in relief and flagged down a waitress for a pint. 

That's when he heard a soft chuckle and looked up to see Hawke leaning against the doorway. 

“I knew you were out there listening, you know.” Varric teased, “You here for a lesson on actually being stealthy?” She shook her head. 

“Just came to see my favorite drinking buddy to see you've replaced me with a handful of hired thugs! I thought we had something, Varric.” Hawke pouted playfully. 

“I was getting tired of winning every drinking contest. Needed someone who could actually hold their liquor.” Her hands flew to her heart in mock pain. 

“You wound me! We can't all have dwarven livers of steel, you know.” He snorted in amusement. “But honestly, what was that about? Was that for Merrill?” The waitress returned with a few pints and placed them down before leaving. Varric nodded in affirmation and gestured for Hawke to sit down. 

“Daisy was telling me how much she liked seeing Lowtown at night. Wouldn't listen when I told her it was dangerous.” He took another drink. 

“You're worried.” Hawke wasn't teasing. It was a statement. “She's… naive. But she can handle herself pretty well in a fight against common thugs.” Varric shook his head dismissively.

“I know. I know. It's just- she's a good kid. I didn't want to risk anything happening while we weren't around.” Hawke looked at him thoughtfully before grinning. 

“How much have you spent making sure the streets are clear?” Varric groaned, but his relaxed smile stayed. 

“More than I want to actually admit.” 

/

The clinic was having a slow day. Well, as slow as it gets. Needy people kept popping in for aid as soon as Anders decided to take a seat but it wasn't filled to the brim per usual. Just enough to prevent any sort of break but enough to bore the hell out of him. 

“Maker, send something to get me through this day.” He mumbled as the most recent wave of clients began trailing out. The apostate turned and decided to try resting again when he heard footsteps behind him.

He groaned in annoyance and turned around to face a surprised Hawke, holding her hands up in front of her. 

“Having a bad day, Anders?” His face softened immediately and his posture followed. 

“You could say that. You're always a welcome sight, though. Did you need anything?” Anders sat on his makeshift desk and gestured for Hawke to sit beside him. She smiled impishly. 

“No, nothing. I wanted to know if you would mind if I kept you company while you worked. I brought this.” She opened a small, cloth-wrapped package from her pack and he leant over to see before smiling in amusement. 

“You missed me so much you're bribing me for my company with food? I'm flattered.” Anders rewrapped the sandwich and set it aside, making the woman frown.

“You're not going to eat it?” He glanced down at her dejected tone and saw her confused look and furrowed eyebrows. Hawke didn't seem anything like the kind of woman who would pout or have that kicked-puppy look but here she was. Anders probably would have felt guilty if he didn't think it was so cute. 

“Most days I don't eat lunch. Usually there are too many people who need my help here.” He explained. She nodded and gestured at the now-empty clinic. 

“I noticed. But there's no one here now, so…” He chuckled.

“Someone will burst through those doors if I try, I guarantee it.” 

“I'll take care of them! You're going to eat one way or another.” Hawke leaned over, grabbing and unwrapping the sandwich again.

“That sounds like you're planning on force-feeding me.” The mage mused. 

“Don't tempt me.” She teased back, “I'll tie you down and feed you bits of sandwich if that's what it takes.” 

Anders liked the sound of that. Or maybe his perverse mind had shut off part way through her sentence and began fantasizing. He gazed down at her. Her beautiful, caring eyes piercing into his, her teasing lips quirked into a challenging smile, her cheeks flushed and marred with the dust floating in the air, a dainty eyebrow raised, suggestive.  _ Maker, she was a tempting sight _ . 

He wondered if she had any idea what he was thinking. Her twinkling eyes suggested so. But she always seemed to tease him, and for the life of him he couldn't tell if she was serious or joking. 

Anders laughed a bit breathlessly and leant over to bite into the sandwich, still in her hands. He chewed meticulously for a few moments before swallowing. 

“Happy?” The victorious woman placed the sandwich into his lap and clapped happily. 

“Very. And look! No one even came barging in!” He followed her pointing finger to the doors which miraculously remained shut. 

“That's never happened before. Do I dare take another-" Hawke pushed the sandwich back into his mouth, cutting him off. 

“Yes. You do.” She smirked. Anders just shook his head in amusement. 

“Two bites and no one's here! It's a miracle.” He celebrated, a bit sarcastic. She smiled at him. 

“They know I'll chase them off if they interrupt your meal.” The mage laughed. Genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. “Maybe I should come by more often. I like being here. With you.” The alluring woman looked up at him coyly. It  _ felt _ like an invitation. One that Anders didn't want to deny. 

“Well, maybe you should. I certainly won't complain about having you here. With me.” He murmured, smiling. The tension between them became unbearable to him and the air felt charged- or that was his magic tingling in his excitement. Anders couldn't stop himself from tilting his head toward her. He saw her waiting lips part slightly, her eyes shutting as he grew closer before- 

The door slammed open, making the both of them spring into action and grabbing their weapons on instinct. The apostate glared at the couple running in, a woman yelling something he couldn't hear above the ringing in his ears, he saw red, then blue, and then panic overwhelmed his senses as he reigned Justice down.  _ They did nothing. They haven't wronged anyone. I need to control my anger. I need to-. _ Anders willed himself to move toward the couple and his hands automatically tended to the man’s wounds. But his mind was racing. The lapse in control hit him like a bucket of ice water. _ I could have hurt innocent people. I could have hurt Hawke.  _ He froze in horror while the couple thanked him profusely and the woman helped her husband out the door again. 

Anders tensed when he felt hands on his arm. As much as he wanted to relax into her touch, he wouldn't allow himself to. 

“Are you okay?” Her soft voice threatened to break his heart. She was so caring. So  _ kind. She has no idea who she’s getting involved with. _

“Yes, I'm fine. Thank you for the meal. I'll finish it later.” It pained him to speak so coldly and he felt her hand recoil at his tone. When she tried putting it back a moment later, he shrugged her off. 

“Anders…” He couldn't look at her, terrified that those beautiful, worried, blue eyes would break what control he had left. 

“Please. I need to be alone.” He whispered, begging. Her internal struggle was almost palpable, but eventually he heard her retreating footsteps behind him. 

And so Anders was alone again. 

/

The days flew by as the preparations for the expedition started coming to fruition. Hawke, Varric and Bertrand were occupied with accumulating hirlings, buying equipment, and making other arrangements. Anders helped the dwarves plan their route through the deep roads, diligently avoiding times when Hawke was around. The four of them soon had a full expedition set.

/

“I didn't know you could cook.” Fenris peered over Hawke's shoulder as she placed down the last of the food on the long dining table. She untied her apron and set it aside. 

“It's a well guarded secret. Otherwise everyone would constantly be asking me to make food for them.” The elf scoffed. 

“Throwing a dinner party isn't exactly the best way to keep that a secret. You-” His sarcastic remark was cut off by Hawke pressing her finger to his lips, sending a small shock through him. 

“Hush. Don't question my logic.” She removed her hand and started walking upstairs toward the bedrooms, seemingly unaware of her small action’s effect on him. “Thanks for letting me borrow the mansion for the night.” Fenris nodded, still distracted. He swore he felt a residual tingle against his lips but shook his head and ignored it, trailing after her. Upon following her into the bedroom- and ignoring subsequent thoughts that followed- he saw Hawke looking behind boxes, into the wardrobe, under the bed, searching for something. “Do you know where I left my other clothes?” He nodded again and fetched them from downstairs. She smiled, taking the clothes and looked at him expectantly. 

“What?” Few things made Fenris nervous. Danarius, anyone else from his slave life finding him, remembering his past, emotion. But apparently “Hawke's scrutiny" made its way into the list. 

“I need to change.” His expression morphed into one that spelled “oh” and she smirked. “My, Fenris, were you hoping for a show? I prefer to be wined and dined first instead of the other way around.” 

His heartbeat quickened, something that was becoming commonplace around Hawke. At that moment he almost wished he'd been more social before he'd met her. Having some skill in flattery would've proved useful in trying to affect this merciless, teasingly seductive woman the way she affected him, seriously or otherwise. 

“I'll keep that in mind for later.” Fenris said a bit hesitantly. Her eyes sparkled in amusement and those inviting lips curled into a smile, making him relax. He turned to leave and let her change, a grin resting on his face and feeling almost giddy. 

What was was wrong with him? Fenris wondered, partly in denial. Maybe he knew. But whatever it was, he wasn't quite ready to face it. 

/

Merrill poked her head past the door. She was pretty sure, not 100% sure, maybe 70%, that she had the right place. Hightown was hard to navigate- and it's not as if she could ask one of the guards, “Hello! Where is Fenris? He is in the abandoned mansion of his former owner.” She tried, but Varric stopped her. He and Isabela were no help, either. Saying something about this being good practice for navigating the rest of Kirkwall. 

She heaved a sigh of relief as Hawke walked over to the trio, arms wide. 

“ _ There _ you are! I was worried something happened.” The familiar shemlen squeezed the elven girl into a quick hug before stepping back. She was wearing a flattering blue dress, form fitting but not obscene.  _ Hawke is pretty. _ Merrill observed, slightly stunned into silence.  _ Very, very pretty.  _ How had she never noticed before? The lovely woman looked down at Varric and tutted disapprovingly. 

“Didn't you say something about helping me set up?” Varric shrugged nonchalantly and Isabela patted Merrill's arm. 

“We would have been here on time if this one didn't want to say ‘hi’ to all of Fenris’ neighbors.” The pirate and the dwarf chuckled to themselves. Merrill's face grew heated. 

“You two didn't help-!” Varric smiled apologetically but the teasing sparkle stayed in his eyes. 

“I know, Daisy. We're just joking.” Hawke rolled her eyes but smiled happily at her friends. 

“Come. Everyone else is waiting.” 

The trio followed her into Fenris’ dining room to see the crew and others standing around chatting and eating. Merrill gasped happily. 

“Oh, Hawke! This looks delicious!” Hawke smiled and grabbed her a plate, delighting the elf again when she was told to have as much as she like. Varric stepped up and tapped Hawke’s arm, who whirled around to face him. 

“You  _ may _ want to go handle that over there. Those two are at it again.” She and Isabela followed his gaze to Anders and Fenris in debate. Their volume growing steadily louder. 

“Ten septims if it's about magic.” Isabela chimed in. The two others immediately shook their heads. 

“I'm not stupid enough to take that deal. Ever.” Hawke deadpanned, sounding exasperated. She passed plates to the two of them before making her way across the room. Isabela watched in amusement as both the men's attention were snapped up by their beautiful hostess’ presence. Somehow, both their gazes turned sheepish and refused to face the other as Hawke spoke gently to them.  _ Beauty is power _ . The pirate thought smugly, wondering if the woman knew just how “powerful" she was. 

“You too, Rivaini? I guess I shouldn't be surprised.” Varric's voice pulled Isabela out of her thought and she turned to look suspiciously at the dwarf.

“What are you talking about?” 

“You haven't noticed? Everyone seems to bend over backwards to please her and drools as she passes by. I call it the Hawke Effect. Even Daisy got all starry-eyed before.” Varric shook his head with a shit-eating grin. “She's a beautiful woman. Charismatic, too. If I wasn't a taken man, I might be under her spell like the rest.” Isabela smiled conspiratorially. 

“Oh, I did notice that. Have you seen the way Fenris looks at her? Every time she's around, he ignores when I'm trying to flirt with him.” Isabela gossiped, “Hell, when I'm trying to seduce her, he gives me the nastiest glares. Not that she notices, which I can't decide if I'm annoyed or amused about, really.” 

“You should see the looks Blondie gives her. The dramatic, suffering look on his face he gets from talking about mages has nothing on when she walked in on us looking at the expedition maps the other day.” Varric shook his head, mockingly sad. “When I asked him about it, all I got was an angsty ‘I don't know what you're talking about’ I haven't gotten around to asking Hawke, yet.” Isabela laughed at Varric’s impression of Anders. The two kept gossiping, too enraptured in their conversation to notice Bethany eavesdropping thoughtfully behind them. 

/

Anders stood in the quiet guest room, studying the books left on the desk. _Magic and Status: A Study of Tevinter, Lobrusk’s Findings VI: Magic, Ser Arn’s Qualms With The Circle,_ and so forth. They all had a layer of dust lying on them from disuse. He was both surprised and not so to find so many books on magic. His hand reached out to pick one up when he heard a voice behind him. 

“The party too boring for you? You look like you're hiding.” Hawke’s voice awakened all his senses. He turned and inhaled sharply, seeing her in that dress again. Anders was legitimately worried the first time he saw her tonight that he'd lose control and kiss her right then in the common area. Now, with the two of them alone, his concern tripled. 

“Maybe I wanted you to come find me.” He wanted to regret the words as soon as he said them. As proud as he felt for making her blush, as much as his heart thumped louder the more she walked toward him, as pleased as he was to see that hopeful shine in her eyes, it wasn't enough.  _ She wanted him _ . The thought pained him again. But he wasn't good for her. He never could be, not anymore. So he took a step back, looking away to avoid seeing the disappointment in her eyes. He heard her sigh and his heart squeezed painfully in response. 

“Would you join me on the expedition?” Her awkward question eventually broke the silence. “I know you hate the deep roads, but-" 

“I will.” Anders had been hoping she'd choose him. 

“You will?” Her surprise caught him off guard. Did she think he'd reject her?  _ I guess that's not that far fetched…  _

“As much as I hate them, I know the deep roads. They're dangerous and I never thought I'd go back but I need to know you're safe in there.” Hawke stared at him, slightly dumbfounded. Then frowned, looking almost angry.  _ At me?  _ “Not that I think you're weak. You're the strongest person I know, really. I'd just go crazy knowing you're down there without me.” He rambled quickly, trying to save himself. Her frown deepened.  _ Shit. _ “Okay, what is it?” She took a step forward, so close that their bodies almost touched, and shoved him. Not enough to move him, but enough to leave a fleeting soreness in his shoulder. 

“You just-... say these things. Then you act like you want nothing to do with me. You almost kissed me then you avoided me the whole week after. What am I supposed to think?”  _ Oh. _ There was a commotion outside the room as the party continued without them. Loud chatting, Isabela calling for Fenris, Varric laughing. The two ignored all of it. Anders looked away from her, ashamed. “If you aren't interested, then tell me. But don't string me along or play with my feelings like I'm some common dalliance because we both know that's not what this is.” Her voice faltered for a moment. “Is it?” Panic flew through him. He hated knowing he made her feel this way. Hawke, usually so sure of herself, Hawke who always knew what to say, was now looking up at him, insecure and apprehensive. It was startling.

“No! You- ugh, Andraste preserve me, how do I say this?” Anders lifted his hand to cradle her face. She leant into his palm and he felt the same sinful desire coursing through him as he gazed at her lips. “I see the way you look at me and it drives me crazy. Maker knows what I've been wanting to do ever since I first saw you.” Hawke stared up at him longingly. A vulnerability in her eyes he'd never seen before. 

“Then why don't you?” The words felt more and more like a challenge as he looked at her, still holding her face. Anders ached to lean towards her and was fighting a losing battle against it.  _ I can't. I'll break her heart- and surely my own. She's too good for me. _

“I'll hurt you.” He warned, his voice pained. The conflicted mage closed his eyes and learnt his forehead against hers. “You should stay away from me. I'll only bring you pain.” 

“Promises, promises. Maybe I like a little pain.” Her teasing voice scared him and he could hear her smiling.  _ She doesn't understand.  _ But her levity made him feel giddy all the same. Hope still rose in him that she wouldn't care, that she'd tilt her head and kiss him regardless. 

However, as luck would have it, loud knocking sounded from the door. The two jumped apart slightly, reaching for their weapons that weren't there, before looking at each other and laughing sheepishly. The door opened and Fenris, followed by Isabela and Bethany, walked in. Fenris raised an eyebrow at their closeness while Bethany stepped forward to take Hawke's hands. 

“There you are, sister! I've been looking for you for  _ ages _ . Some ridiculous hireling Bertrand brought hit on me and…” Her rambling trailed off as the apostate girl purposefully dragged her reluctant sister out of the room, leaving the suspicious elf, an amused pirate, and an annoyed mage. 

“Would you two stop glaring at each other? You're like two dogs around a bitch in heat.” Isabela's voice cut through the tension. The men's eyes snapped towards her, questioning, before realization hit both of them. 

“What do you want, Isabela?” Anders, still annoyed by the interruption, retorted. 

“A stiff drink, a good lay. Maybe an epic showdown between you two fighting over who gets to bed Hawke. The usual.” She leaned against the wall and smiled expectantly. 

“You want to watch us fight?” Fenris scoffed. “Like he stands a chance.” Anders’ eyes narrowed.

“My magic would destroy you.” 

“I'd gut you before you could raise a hand.” 

“You wouldn't even-” Varric's head poked in the door suddenly, causing everyone's heads to turn. 

“Damn, did I miss it?” He stepped into the room, holding a plate of food. Isabela nodded her head and plucked a shrimp off the plate.

“You should have seen it. Hawke and Anders were standing  _ so _ close to each other when Fenris walked in. I've never seen him so irritated.” Isabela recalled before popping another shrimp in her mouth.

“Who?” 

“Either of them!” 

Fenris and Anders stared at the other two, bewildered.

“ _ Perfect _ .” Varric pulled out a small notebook and a fine piece of charcoal. “What was Hawke-" 

“Wait,” Anders butted in, eyes narrowing. “Did you interrupt us on purpose?” Isabela smiled mock-innocently while Varric replied. 

“So there  _ was _ something to interrupt?” Anders’ cheeks burned. 

“What? I mean- no! No. We were just talking. Privately. About the expedition.” No one was convinced. “What does it matter?” 

“Oh, Blondie. Of course it matters. I need details to see how far the love triangle goes.” The men were taken aback. 

“Love triangle?” Anders repeated incredulously. 

“Do not include me in your ridiculous romance plot.” Fenris muttered at the same time. 

“You're the one assuming you're in it, Broody. Now why would that be?” Fenris froze for a moment before composing his signature glare again. 

“I'd say it's a fair assumption considering Isabela told me Hawke needed my help up here. You two planned this.” The elf accused. “This conversation is over. I need a drink.” Anders nodded. 

“For once, I agree with you.” The two stalked out of the room. Isabela turned to Varric. 

“Love triangle, huh? Poor Merrill. You don't think she stands a chance?” The dwarf thought for a moment. 

“Maybe it's more of a love pentagon.” Isabela nodded unconsciously before frowning. 

“Penta- oh, come on!” She smacked his shoulder lightly as he grinned good-naturedly.

“Don't worry, Rivaini. I'm rooting for you.” 

/


	2. Adjustments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Deep Roads.

_ I miss you. _ Bethany read, trailing her fingers along the edges of the letter.  _ We meet with the viscount next week. Mother's so excited- she's rehearsed her speech a hundred times in the mirror. You know how she gets. I wish you were here. It doesn't feel right without you. _

_ I have to run now. You be safe, okay? I know you can't promise anything, but tell your warden boss guy if anything happens to my little sister, I'll-  _

“Bethany,” She looked up to see Mattias, another new warden. “Stroud says it's time to go.” She nodded. Bethany thought Kirkwall would be home, she really did. It was hard not to feel bitter at the fact that this new life she didn't choose forced her to constantly be on the move. Not to mention the headaches, the blasted dreams… She didn't want to be bitter. Especially not with her only sibling left. But she still didn't feel right replying to all the letters her sister sent. 

Bethany crumpled the paper into her bag and went to meet the others. There was still work to be done. 

/

“Like this?” Merrill's fingers lit with energy and tiny slivers of magic flew from them. Anders sighed. 

“Sure, that's perfect. If someone comes in here with a paper cut, I know just who to call on.” The small elf stomped her foot in frustration. 

“You said I needed to be more gentle! Now I need to be more forceful?” She huffed, annoyed. 

“You're trying to get their body to relax and heal, you were prepared to launch them into a coma. I mean they'll heal, but you'll overwhelm them with that much energy.  _ Now _ it's too little to even make a difference.” The apostate lectured, “Healing magic is all about balance and control.”  _ Control _ . Anders thought bitterly.  _ I'm one to talk _ . “Why did you come to me, anyway?” 

“Well, it's not as if I know many other mages around here. And I can't very well go back to my clan and ask. Besides, you can heal anything! So, I asked you. We're both Hawke’s friend and I'm doing this for her.” Merrill said matter-of-factly. She stretched her hands out again, trying to maintain a controlled flow of healing. Anders raised an eyebrow. 

“What do you mean? Did she ask you to do this? Still too weak, by the way.” Merrill shook her head and hissed in annoyance as her magic fizzled out before trying again. 

“No, but I want to be able to help her if we go somewhere and something bad happens. I've been wanting to ask if she would like to hike Sundermount with me. It's so beautiful this time of year.” Jealousy twisted in the man. Not quite at the prospect of what sounded like a “date,” really. But the passing thought of being replaced.  _ I'm her healer. I'm the one that takes care of her. Go back to your idiotic blood magic. _ He wanted to be pragmatic, two healers were better than one, surely. And it wasn't that he thought Hawke would stop bringing him in favor of  _ Merrill _ of all people. 

Anders just liked being the one to save her. 

He shook his head at the stupid, romantic thought. Maybe this was good. He'd painfully worked hard to maintain as much of a platonic friendship with Hawke as he could these past few months. Since that night after their return from the Deep Roads, he knew he needed to put distance between them. 

_ Hawke sat on Anders’ bed as he worked on the last of her injuries. She'd insisted on being treated last, urging him to help the other hirelings from the expedition first. The mage watched her as she stared blankly at her hands.  _

_ “Are you alright?” Hawke blinked and looked at Anders as if only just realizing his presence. She shook her head.  _

_ “No.” The one word answer wasn't cold, but his heart still squeezed at how hollow her voice sounded. She turned head to look back down at her hands. He sat beside her and gently turned her to face him before holding her face.  _

_ “It's not your fault. You saved her.” He murmured, “I'm here for you.” She leaned forward wordlessly into his chest and his arms held her there, and after a few moments he felt her crying. Mourning her sister. Not dead, but still taken from her.  _

_ Anders held her that night as she fell asleep in his arms, hearing the rapid beating of his heart, no doubt. She awoke the next morning adorably embarrassed, but smiling. Hawke kissed the apostate’s cheek, just on the corner of his lips, and whispered a soft thank you before making her way home, leaving Anders lying there intoxicated by the moment before reality set in.  _

That was months ago and they hadn't spoken about it since, mostly due to his avoidance. It wasn't that he wished it never happened- Anders would never be sorry for making her feel better- but he felt guilty. Like he was leading her on. Giving this beautiful woman hope for something that could never be. Not with him, not while Justice remained. 

“I did it! Well, doing it! I  _ am _ doing it, aren't I? Anders?” Merrill's shrill, excited voice tore him from his thoughts. He looked at her strong, steady stream of healing magic and smiled half-heartedly. 

“Yeah, you got it. Good job.” His empty praise didn't seem to faze the girl as she jumped up and down, squealing. 

“Oh, oh. I must tell Hawke! I'm sure she'll be thrilled. Thank you, Anders!” He froze in surprise and mild discomfort as the energetic elf hugged him briefly before rushing out the door. He chuckled to himself and then went back to slowly revising his manifesto, distracted by his thoughts. 

/

Seeing Isabela stumble out of a room with a burly man looking disheveled behind her was probably on the top ten list of things Aveline  _ never _ wanted to see. The guardswoman winced as the man smacked the pirate's ass before walking off, grinning widely. Isabela smoothed her clothes and looked at Aveline, smiling coyly. 

“Just in time! I think. I'm not late, am I?” 

“No, I just got here. Is there somewhere remotely clean to sit around here?” Aveline's voice was strained. Isabela just kept smiling. 

“The ale stained tables too good for you? Come on. We can borrow Varric's room.” The two women walked into their friend’s room and sat at the table. 

“So!” The pirate leaned over and grabbed a leftover pint of ale, “What can I help you with? It must be serious.” 

“And why's that?” 

“I know you can't stand me. But anyway, if I'm helping you, then you help me too.” Aveline stood up abruptly, shaking her head. 

“No chance. I'm not making  _ any _ deal with-"

“Oh, sit down. I just want to ask about Hawke.” Isabela rolled her eyes at the woman's dramatics. 

“Hawke? What about her?” Truthfully, Aveline had barely spoken to Hawke these last months. Gods, it's almost been half a year since they actually sat down together. She popped by the barracks occasionally, quick chats here and there. Telling Aveline about her new mansion, random social drama, obscure problems that people wanted Hawke to solve, but they hadn't actually sat down to talk in ages. 

“Is she… okay? She acts like she's fine but I know her. That dumb halo over her head won't let her burden anyone with her issues.” Isabela waved her hand sarcastically but a layer of concern was evident in her voice. “You've known her a while, right? Has she told you anything?” Isabela worried, as much as she looked like she wanted to puke from it, was almost endearing to Aveline.

“You  _ do _ care!” The redheaded woman wasn't about to let this opportunity slip. Isabela scoffed. 

“Oh, shut it.” 

“Honestly, I've been so busy with the guard these days what with the higher ups grooming me for a promotion. I've barely spoken to Hawke since she came back from her expedition.” Aveline confessed, making the other woman sigh in disappointment. “You could just ask her yourself.”

“Like she'd tell me. Besides, I have an image to uphold.” Both were quiet for a moment, thinking of Hawke. _Was she okay?_ It wasn't like Isabela to worry- about anyone. But Hawke wasn't just anyone. She was… a friend. A real one. _Oh, tits. When did that happen?_ _I've been in Kirkwall far too long. Making way too many attachments. Helping people. Speaking of which..._ “What did you need help with again?” Isabela asked curiously. Aveline's head snapped up and her cheeks flushed red. 

“I… Look, promise you won't laugh.” Isabela laughed immediately. “Alright, fine. Just… Gah, this stays between us. Only between us, got it?” 

“My, my, Aveline. I hate to shut you down but ‘butch women’ aren’t quite my type.” The guardswoman rolled her eyes. 

“No, whore, I'm not interested. Not in you.” Isabela raised an eyebrow at that. “How… do you attract a man?”  _ No way.  _ A catlike smile slowly spread across the sultry pirate's face. 

“You've come to the right place.” A wave of dread washed over Aveline. She already regretted this. 

/

Merrill watched as the dwarf obsessively scoured the papers again, and again, looking for a clue. He growled in frustration and the angry look on his face scared her. Looking up and seeing her concern, his face softened into an apologetic smile. 

“I'm sorry, Daisy. I invited you over to chat, not to do any of this. Rivaini will be here any second- she'll probably be a lot more fun right now.” The elf shook her head. 

“I'm worried about you, Varric. Please just calm down.” She begged again. “You'll find your brother soon.” He grimaced. 

“I know. Thanks, Daisy.” Isabela walked in, carrying a tray of drinks. 

“Varric. Kitten.” She nodded to them, smiling. Merrill pouted. 

“For the last time, my name is not Daisy. Or Kitten.” The two others chuckled and teased her reddening cheeks despite protests. The three chatted for a while, catching up on the latest news of the week. Varric had fallen a bit behind on current events in his relentless search for Bartrand. These weekly drinks and chats were some of his only non-business social interactions these days. He gets the occasional visit from Anders or Fenris for drinks and chatted up Aveline a while ago, mostly to ask if the guards could keep an eye out for his brother. But he was missing someone. 

“Any of you talk to Hawke these days?” Isabela frowned and shook her head while Merrill nodded thoughtfully. 

“I saw her last week. I asked if she wanted to go hiking with me but she was not up for it.” The elf frowned. “There was a moment that I was looking at her and she didn't realize- she looked so sad. I think we should cheer her up.” Varric and Isabela froze slightly. They knew how to fix problems, but they weren't exactly counselors. That was… Hawke's thing.  _ She's _ typically the one to cheer someone up, listen to people's problems, emotional support, all that. 

“Well,” Isabela spoke with uncertainty, “let's plan something. I haven't gotten the chance to see her shiny new mansion- let's go raid it and get her drunk enough to spill whatever’s bothering her. Didn't she mention having a massive drunk sleepover at some point?” Varric smirked. 

“I think you're onto something, Rivaini. But I bet Hawke would appreciate some warning before we storm the castle.” The pirate sighed dramatically.

“Fine, ruin the surprise.” She smiled and finished another mug. Merrill clapped happily. 

“This sounds fun! We should invite the others. I bet they miss Hawke, too.” Varric and Isabela smiled cheekily at each other. “What? Did I say something funny?” 

“I think that's a great idea, Kitten. It'll at least be more entertaining for us with them fighting over who gets to share a bed with Hawke.” Isabela snickered. Varric smiled, but was watching Merrill carefully. He had an inkling that her attraction to Hawke might be more than just physical; sure enough, the elf's ears paled in shock and her face twisted into quick bouts of surprise, sadness, then feigned normality. 

“They… like her? Both of them?” Isabela’s smile fell slightly hearing the tiny tremor in Merrill's voice. “Is- Does she like either of them back?” Both of them looked at the girl with pity. 

“Honestly, Daisy, I think Hawke has no idea they're even fighting over her. I doubt either of them have said anything to her, yet.” Varric looked to Isabela for help. 

“Yeah! Oh, she probably has no idea. I bet whoever makes a move on her first has… the best chance?” The pirate faked confidence. Merrill's face lit up slightly. 

“Oh, well. Maybe she isn't interested. Not in them. Maybe she's waiting for something else.” The two others swallowed nervously and nodded. Neither wanted to admit to what they had eavesdropped that night before the expedition. “Anyways! How should we plan this?” The three quickly fell into planning what became dubbed- by Merrill- as “Operation: Happy Hawke.” 

/

With a quick twist, the mercenary’s neck snapped. Fenris stood up, shaking with anger and frustration. No answers, again. But it was Danarius, it had to be.  _ Anonymous  _ employer? For the second time this year? Who just happened to be seeking out an elf with white markings?  _ Bullshit if anyone calls that a coincidence. _

“Fenris.”  _ Her _ voice pulled him back. Calmed his body down but somehow made his heart beat faster. He hated it. He hated how much power she had over him. How  _ one word _ could make him want to close his eyes and sink into her embrace. He absolutely hated it.

But he could never hate her.

Fenris turned to face Hawke, looking at him with those beautiful, solemn blue eyes.  _ She understands _ . A voice whispered in his head.  _ She doesn't pity you. Not like the others. _ He wanted to be angry again.  _ She doesn't understand. No one does. _ He argued with himself. She stepped forward and touched his arm. Recoiling immediately, he wasn't actually sure if the residual burn was from his markings or just in his head. He despised how his heart seemed to whine at the loss of her brief touch. Shaking his head, he began to stomp off. It was only a minute later that he heard her soft footsteps following him.

“I want to be alone.” He hissed. Hawke pulled ahead then fell into step with him. 

“We both live in Hightown.” She said simply. He felt foolish. Of course they'd be going the same way. And as angry as he was, he was still against the idea of her walking home alone so he kept his mouth shut. The walk back to Hawke's house was silent. As Fenris turned to leave, he felt her grip his arm again. 

“Fenris,”  _ That damned voice…  _ “You don't have to be alone.” Her soft touch filled his head. It wouldn't be hard to rip himself away again, but he felt his strength drain as she spoke. “Stay. I'm here for you.” 

He meant to leave, but his will was gone. He wasn't sure how she did this to him, but he was inside her mansion. Warm and eerily quiet. He wasn't sure where the tea came from, but there were cups of it above the fireplace. 

And he wasn't sure when he kissed her, but he'll never forget the feeling of pushing her against the wall, feeling her small gasp of shock as he desperately pressed his dry lips against her soft ones.  _ What am I doing? _ The thought made him pull away from her, both gasping for air. He looked away in  _ fear.  _ Fear of seeing disappointment or hatred from the one person whose thoughts he actually cared for. But surprise seized him as her hands gripped the back of his neck and pulled him into another kiss. They found their way to the couch, pulling at each other's clothes as Fenris kissed down her neck, loving the soft gasps that fell from her lips.  _ Make me forget _ , their actions whispered. He managed to undo her tunic and stared at her. What little breath he had left was taken by the sight of her stunning, disheveled form under him. He was falling for a truly beautiful woman. 

The thought was like a punch to the gut.  _ Falling for her. For Hawke. He wasn't, was he? When did this happen?  _ Fenris racked through his brain in panic, wondering how he let anyone get so close to him. How he wound up trusting anyone so much.  _ This is a mistake. Letting someone in is a mistake. _ But looking down at her lovely face, her exposed top half, was incredibly distracting. 

“Second thoughts?” Hawke smiled emptily at him and they untangled themselves. She started tying her tunic again as Fenris struggled to find his voice. 

“I'm sorry.” His words were pained and full of regret. He expected her to hate him- almost wanted it. It would be easier that way. 

“No, don't be. Me too.” She looked up, pausing her dressing. “Not because of you, but…” 

“I understand.” He did. He felt like a stupid man for not taking the opportunity to be with such an amazing,  _ gorgeous _ woman. But he couldn't afford to drag her into whatever pain Danarius would bring.  _ She's just another “thing” for him to use against me _ . The thought tasted bitter. It wasn't right, for either of them. “I should go.” He made no move to leave. His body wouldn't cooperate. Hawke just smiled at him wryly and finished tying her tunic. 

“You don't have to.” It sounded like an invitation. He opened his mouth to speak but she shook her head. “Not like that. I don't think either of us are in the right place for anything right now. I just want you to know that you don't have to be alone.” Fenris swallowed hard, feeling torn. He  _ wanted _ to stay, to his surprise. But he knew he shouldn't. 

“I can't.” He stood up and put his armor back on. Hawke just watched silently before speaking. 

“Fenris.” He looked up. “How long have you been thinking about doing that?” The elf's eyes darkened and his mouth curved into a small half smile. She smiled back, almost shyly, a soft tint darkening her cheeks in the firelight. He turned and left the mansion, still smiling to himself. 

_ Longer than you'll ever know. _

/

“I don't know why I put up with you.” 

Hawke smiled impishly and slid Aveline’s coin away from her. 

“Betting in the keep is illegal, you know. I could have you jailed for this.” The guardswoman muttered, picking up the cards and putting them away. 

“Sore loser.” The black haired woman teased. “You would never.” 

“Hmph. Maybe. Doesn't mean I'm not tempted to.” Aveline shot back playfully. She had missed Hawke, truly. The other guards were good people, but a lot of them were too formal- especially now she that news of her incoming promotion has spread. It was nice to kick back with a friend. “Anyway, you've been dodging the question. How are you?” Hawke shook her head, still smiling good naturedly. 

“It's not dodging the question if I really am fine.” She wandered around the barracks dining room before plopping down into a chair. “I appreciate it, but you don't need to keep asking. I'm more interested in  _ you _ .” Aveline frowned. 

“What do you mean?” Hawke leaned across the table with a sly look on her face while the guard captain suppressed the urge to tell her to get her elbows off the desk. 

“Don't play dumb! I saw you look at that man- Guardsman Derric? You had this  _ dreamy _ look on your face.” Aveline felt herself turning bright red. 

“Guardsman Donnic. And I did not!”  _ It's like Isabela all over again. _ She thought dreadfully. 

“Of course you didn't. I suppose I'm also imagining the fact that your cheeks match your hair right now?” Aveline's hand flew to her cheek, feeling the heat. Then she shook her head in annoyance. 

“You're such a pest. You're almost as bad as Isabela.” Hawke pouted at the insults.

“Almost? I'll need to try harder.” 

“Please don't.” Aveline groaned in embarrassment. “Why don't we talk about you? I've been hearing some interesting things about  _ your _ love life.” That made Hawke frown. 

“Things, huh? From who?” She pried curiously. Aveline shrugged. “Varric? Isabela?” She nodded. “Well, go on. I'd love to hear these  _ things.”  _ The warrior chuckled. 

“They've made a bet on who they think your  _ type _ is. Don't be surprised if they start interrogating you on it.” She warned Hawke, who giggled. “I'm curious, though. What kind of men- or women-  _ are _ you interested in? I've barely seen you show genuine interest in anyone these past three years here.” 

“Hmm…” Hawke mused thoughtfully. “Bethany used to tease me about- well. She always used to say I had a soft spot for the rebel with a cause.”  _ No. Ugh, not the mage.  _ Aveline scoffed. “I know, I know. Before you say anything, he’s made it perfectly clear that he doesn't feel the same.” She could hear the slight wistfulness in Hawke's voice despite her playful tone. 

“I'm sorry.” Hawke shook her head. 

“Don't be. Besides, I've been wondering if I've been ignoring other possibilities.” Her voice trailed off mysteriously. Pointedly raising an eyebrow, Aveline waved her hand as to say ‘well?’ The woman just smiled coyly. “It's a secret. For now. But I'll let you know if anything comes of it.”  _ Well, that isn't intriguing at all. Thanks, Hawke.  _

“You're worse than Varric’s cliffhangers.” Aveline complained. Hawke looked offended. “Almost.” 

“Much better.” The two kept talking and laughing together, catching up on the many days they hadn't spoken. 

Aveline had very much missed her friend. Her best friend.

/

Anders hated the Chantry. 

He didn't understand why Hawke brought him with her but he almost wished she didn't call on him today. The mage kept his head down as more sisters passed by, trying not to draw attention as Hawke spoke to the accented man. Anders didn't like that guy. He had an aura of superiority- like a templar- and held the Grand Cleric on a damn pedestal… like a templar.  _ What right did that woman have to hold so much power over everyone? What right does the damned Chantry have to hold my people prisoner? _

Anders grew more heated the longer they stayed. It didn't help that Hawke, classic Hawke, was comforting the man, patting his arm and softly speaking to him. The apostate had no right to be jealous, but how he wanted to pull her into his arms and carry her away from that annoyingly attractive man who Anders  _ swore _ kept gazing at her face before looking away, blushing like a school boy with a crush. Thankfully, the adorably oblivious woman didn't notice. Not even when the man put his hand over hers hesitantly, thanking her. She just smiled at him sympathetically, but Anders had had enough. He walked over and gently pulled her away. 

“We should go.” His voice was low, still not wanting to attract attention. “I'm getting more looks the longer we stay here.” Hawke nodded in understanding. The man looked disappointed. 

“Please, feel free to return whenever. You have helped me a great deal, and I am forever in your debt.” The archer bowed politely and Hawke nodded, smiling playfully.

“I'm sure I'll find some way for you to make it up to me.” The mage grit his teeth as the man became flustered at Hawke's teasing. Anders took her hand and just about dragged her out of the Chantry. 

They made it to the residential district before he heard her voice over his annoyed thoughts. 

“Anders… Anders! Stop!” His feet stopped abruptly, whirling around, and she crashed into his chest. His arms instinctively wrapped around her to steady her and shameful thoughts flew into his head as he looked down at the confused woman. “Are you okay?” She demanded, “What was that about?”  _ Caring as always. Worried about me, even while I'm making an ass out of myself. Gods, she's too good for me.  _ She shook her head and looked up at him. Freezing for a moment as she looked at his face before looking away.  He didn't need a mirror to know what she saw and gently turned her face to look at him: lustful honey-colored eyes gazing into beautiful, conflicted blue ones. She took his breath away. Holding her so close, having her staring up at him- it was almost too much.  _ I wish I knew what she was thinking _ . “What are you doing?” She murmured. Anders leant toward her, familiarly resting his forehead against hers.  _ Playing with fire _ , his logic warned. His jealousy and emotions taking him over, despite the voice in him urging to step away, to protect her from himself.  _ I'm a weak man. Damn it all.  _ She pursed her lips in confusion.  _ Screw it. _

“Kissing you.” Her eyes widened. “May I?” She opened her mouth. Then closed it, gazing at him hungrily but seeming to be in self discord. His fingers lightly traced the small of her back where her skin showed through the lacing of her clothes and she sighed softly. Maker, he wanted her. He's wanted this for so long. The apostate turned his head slightly and pressed his lips against her cheek, then again, and again, growing closer to her lips. He could barely contain himself as she whimpered softly in delight and melted against his touch. 

“Anders… wait.” His lips paused over her own, a hair's breadth away.  _ I want to hear it again. My name on her lips. _ He smiled slightly at her breathlessness and the way she clung to him, unable to balance herself. 

“Yes, sweetheart?” _Gods_ , he adored the way she looked at him. Longingly and full of desire. But there was a small crease of doubt as she frowned and a spark of panic fell through him. _Shit. That was a bad idea. Did she even want- did she feel- she does, doesn't she?... Andraste's knicker weasels,_ _I've ruined everything again, haven't I?_

“Why-” A guard suddenly walked by, cheekily wishing them a good evening. Hawke looked around, flustered. Then she stepped back, making a more publicly appropriate amount of space between them. Anders missed her touch, her body flush against his, as soon as it was gone. “Maybe this isn't the best place to talk.” He looked around and saw window curtains hurriedly being moved by people curiously watching the scene. 

The two made their way to Hawke's estate, nodding politely to her mother before heading into the living room and shutting the door. 

“Why now?” Her voice, low and cautious, cut through the tension. Icy blue eyes peered up at him through black lashes, she stood a safe distance away from him- almost defensively.  _ Is she protecting herself from me?  _ He chuckled humorlessly.  _ Maybe she's finally taken my advice.  _

“I can’t stop thinking about you. About that night.” Her eyes lit slightly.  _ She remembers, thank the Maker. _ “About any of it. I thought I was strong enough to keep my feelings at bay, but I have no control around you.” His gaze had fallen down in shame. He looked up, his eyes boring into hers. “I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.” Hawke stared at him, her face ominously unreadable.  _ And here comes the crushing rejection. I am a fool. _

“What do you want me to say?” She said softly, her words strained with regret. 

“Anything. Just be honest. Do you feel the same?” He almost begged. She took a deep breath. 

“I do. I've waited so long to hear you say those words. But that night was over a year ago, how long did you want me to wait?” She looked up, a dangerous spark in her eyes. “Every time I've tried to get close to you, you've pushed me away. You didn't seem interested in pursuing anything between us. And as soon as I've started to accept that, you do this. What am I supposed to think?” The woman took another breath and seemed to calm down. “I feel… toyed with.” His heart twisted painfully.

“I'm not someone you should get involved with.” The familiar words hung in the air. “I didn't- I don't want you getting hurt.” She laughed dryly. 

“You're already hurting me.”  _ Ouch.  _ He winced, another pang to his heart.  _ I probably deserve that. _

“I'm sorry.” Anders spoke honestly. “You are the person I'd most regret hurting. But it’ll be worse if we're together. You deserve better.” She smiled wryly at his warning.

“You're not making a very good case for yourself.” He laughed, the two relaxing slightly. She looked at him sympathetically, those caring eyes making him weak again. “Don't you deserve some happiness?” 

“Not if it means hurting you.” He said again, shaking his head. Her eyebrows furrowed in frustration. “You don't understand what I am.” 

“And I never will if you don't let me in.” She pleaded. 

“Good. I rather you never see that side of me.” Hawke let out a long sigh and shoved his shoulder, mock angry.  _ Cute. _

“You're infuriating.” He smirked at her. 

“I get that a lot.” She shook her head, smiling.  _ I love that smile _ . His heart longed to give in. 

“What happens now? The usual- we pretend nothing happened and act normal?” She cringed. “That sounded far more bitter than I meant.” He grinned ruefully. 

“I deserve that.” Anders hesitated. “Would you kill me if I admitted that's what's most likely to happen?” 

“Would you want me to?” She joked half heartedly. He chuckled. 

“A little. I promise- I'm not playing with you. This hurts me as much as it does you. For what it's worth, I'm sorry.” He said sadly. Hawke just sighed. 

“I almost wish you were playing with my feelings. Seeing you hurt is far worse.” He groaned softly and closed the gap between them, cradling her face with his hands again.  _ I swear…  _

“You saying things like that will get you in trouble one of these days.” The tempted mage warned.  She smiled, a mischievous sparkle lighting her eyes.  _ Maker, she's gorgeous.  _ Against his better judgement, he badly wished he'd kissed her earlier. He was  _ so _ close. Even now, all he had to do was lean in… 

“You have that look again. What are you thinking of?” Her sweet voice brought him back. His hands caressing her cheeks, her hands resting on his chest, their faces so close. He never wanted to leave this moment. 

“If it's too selfish of me to kiss you right now.” Anders sheepishly admitted. Hawke laughed and to his utter disappointment, untangled herself from his embrace.

“I'd love nothing more. But I'm pretty certain if you do, we’d both wake up in my bed with a very complicated situation on our hands. You're not the only one who loses control.” She smiled teasingly. _She drives me mad._ _Now I want to even more. As if I needed more to keep me up at night._ This was becoming physically painful for Anders. “I don't think I'd be able to pretend something like that didn't happen.” 

“I understand. It's probably for the best.” They smiled regretfully at each other. “I should go. It's late.” 

“Come on. You can leave through the basement; it leads right to your clinic.” The apostate raised an eyebrow. 

“How convenient. No wonder you can visit me so often.” Hawke grinned and the two made their way to the cellar. She unlocked the discreet door to and from Darktown and looked at him. Before he left, she grabbed his arm. “Did you need-" 

“One last time.” She said softly before pressing a brief, bittersweet kiss against his jaw. Anders stared at her, heart beating a mile a minute. Oh, how he wanted more. He let out a ragged, breathless chuckle and turned to leave. Another wave of regret hit him as he heard the door lock behind him. Her words echoed in his head.

_One last time._ _Maker, don't let it be so._

/


	3. I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the deep roads part 2.

“You lost a bet? Or is it a  _ lover? _ ” Varric chuckled at Merrill’s insistence and replied cheerily. 

“Sorry, Daisy. Bianca's the one story I'll never tell.” Hawke patted the pouting elf's hand across the table comfortingly. 

“Bianca is a pretty name. I'll bet she's named after a pretty girl.” The small mage pried again. “Please, Varric!” The dwarf shook his head to her disappointment, amused. 

“Some things will always be a mystery.” He said slyly, frustrating the elf more. “We all have something about us that we don't explain.” 

“But you're always telling stories! It makes us want to figure out Bianca so much more! She's the most mysterious thing around here.” Merrill whined. 

“Speak for yourself.” The trio looked over at Anders, who’d walked in in time to hear the last snippets of conversation, “I'm more interested in why Hawke always has that red smear across her face.” Varric raised an eyebrow at the woman in question. Hawke smirked and scooted over so Anders could sit.

“ _ That's  _ a long story. I'll tell when Varric talks about Bianca.” Her eyes sparkled knowingly and took another sip of the mediocre ale. Anders grinned lazily at her, sitting down and leaning toward her slightly. 

“I'll get it out of you one of these days. Don't  you worry.” The apostate said lowly. Varric watched in delight seeing an almost imperceptible blush crept up the woman's cheeks as the two seemed locked in each other's gaze.  _ Prime material right here _ . He longed to take notes but knew Hawke would kick his ass- or playfully glare, more like. But he didn't dare ruin their moment. 

“Oh?” Hawke’s voice seemed higher and almost breathier than usual-  _ how adorable. _ “And just how do you plan on doing that?”  _ It's like we're not even here. _ Varric’s smirk dropped when he looked over at Merrill.  _ You know the tension is thick when even Daisy's clued into what's going on. _ He watched with pity as the corners of the elven girl's mouth pulled down.  _ Watching her crush flirting with someone else. Gah, poor girl.  _ Varric forced a laugh, capturing everyone's attention. 

“Knowing Blondie, probably by threatening to withhold healing. Remind me never to poke fun at him again.” Varric said with mock sadness. Anders snickered. 

“Oh, you know I was joking… mostly. You deserved it for all the damn feather jokes.” The dwarf put a hand over heart, jokingly wounded. The electric tension between the mage and Hawke dissipated slightly as they all joked. The dwarf looked at Merrill and sighed in relief seeing a small smile on her face. As much as he regretted ruining perfect writing material, he’d regret seeing his friend upset far more.  _ But I guess I can't protect her forever. Ah, well.  _

_ That's a problem for another time. _

/

Aveline forced another painstaking polite smile onto her face and shook the last of the nobles’ hands. Swallowing her annoyance as she accepted their coos and praise.  _ Gods, just make it end.  _

“Ave- Ahem.  _ Captain _ Vallen, if I may escort you to your new office?”  _ Praise the Maker. _ She looked over at Donnic’s wry smile and nodded. Thanking the nobles and the viscount once more, she rushed out of the room. “Dealing with nobles and politicians is my worst nightmare. I don't envy you, Captain.”  _ Captain. _ Aveline winced.  _ It still sounds so strange. _

“Please, Donnic, just Aveline.” She insisted.  _ As if I needed more to keep me from… pursuing anything with him.  _ “I'm still me- I'm just in charge of a lot more paperwork now.” He snorted, opening the door to the barracks. 

“That's fair. You were already doing all the work of the captain. I suppose this just makes it official.” Her heart skipped as Donnic smiled at her. “You being captain- it feels right.” She bit back the stupidly big smile that threatened to form. They made it to the office and with a dramatic flair, Donnic presented the key. The other guards cheered as Aveline unlocked the door to the captain's office.  _ My office now.  _ She thought in awe.  _ You've come a long way, Aveline. Dad would be proud.  _

She made her way in with Donnic trailing after her. It was very bare, a clean slate after the maids had removed all of the previous captain's belongings.  _ A fresh start for the guards _ . She thought proudly. 

“Is there anything you need, Captain Vallen?”  _ Too formal. Much, much too formal.  _ Even if she wasn't crushing on the guardsman, she would have been uncomfortable. 

“Just for you to call me Aveline again. Please.” Donnic shook his head in amusement and smiled warmly at her again. 

“Very well,  _ Captain _ Aveline.” His voice sent pleasant tingles down her spine and her mind kept replaying it long after he left. Aveline looked around her office and dread filled her.  _ And there go my chances of asking him out. If it wasn't horribly inappropriate before, it most definitely is now. _ She groaned loudly in frustration. 

“Should I come back another time?” The redheaded woman looked up to see a smiling Hawke peering in, hands behind her back. 

“No, it's fine. Come in; close the door.” Hawke did so and cheerfully walked over to the captain's desk. “What's behind your back? You know I hate surprises.” She rolled her eyes and presented a lovely bottle of wine. Seemingly aged, it looked far better than the swill she'd find at the taverns. 

“I thought you'd be in the mood to celebrate.  _ Or _ to forget all the fun times you're going to have dealing with the viscount and his needy nobles.” Hawke smiled cheekily.  _ Ugh, yes please.  _ Aveline grinned but shook her head. 

“I'd love to, you have no idea. But maybe another time when I'm off duty?” The black haired woman pouted but nodded understandingly. 

“So the usual, then. Drinks at mine later?” Aveline nodded and hummed happily.  _ My weekly getaway from work and… everything, really. _

“Never miss it.” 

/

Fenris felt like he was going insane. 

He had made it a rule to trust no one. Everyone had ulterior motives, a secret agenda, they'd betray or leave him in the end. Even if they weren't in Danarius’ pocket, everyone always had their own selfish goal in mind. He trusted no one but himself. Yet he hoped to the Maker that his eyes had deceived him; he hoped that for once, he couldn't trust them. 

_ The elf made his way down the stairs, buckling on the last of his armor. Varric and Isabela were expecting him at the Hanged Man soon- he was late enough as is. Fenris bit back a smile.  _ Friends.  _ He mused. He never felt like he belonged anywhere, never had a home. Even now, squatting in this abandoned mansion, he was a nomad. But Kirkwall… felt more like home than anywhere ever has.  _ Especially because of her. _ Fenris sighed, trying to stop the embarrassing thought. But try as he did, she always seemed to worm her way into his mind. He shook his head, smiling to himself. _

_ At the door he snuck a peek out of the window, a force of habit while he’d been in hiding, and froze.  _ No.  _ Fenris’ mind refused. He couldn't make sense of what he was seeing.  _ Why was that idiotic mage so close to her? Why was she letting him touch her so… intimately? _ His skin felt like it had lit aflame as he remembered her touch, seared into his memory. He remembered her kisses like they were yesterday. His hand itched to rip open the door and tear that smug smile off of Anders’ face. Literally. Instead, the glowing elf turned on his heel and stormed back up the steps.  _

How he desperately wanted to ask Hawke for any kind of explanation.  _ Didn't he mean anything to her? _ A voice in his heart whined. He cringed inwardly. But what could he say? What right did he have in asking about her private affairs? They'd kissed around a year ago and promptly done their best to forget about it, fighting alongside each other like nothing ever happened between them.  _ Because nothing did happen. Nothing came of it. _ Fenris thought miserably.  _ It was for the best _ . He reminded himself.  _ She's better off hating me. But why  _ him _? Doesn't she see how damn annoying he is?  _ His thoughts taunted and tormented him.  _ Maybe it wasn't what you thought. _ A devilish voice hoped. But it wasn't as if he could ask Hawke- what right did he have? He didn't dare offend the one person whose opinion he truly cared for. That left one uncomfortable, irritating, infuriating option. Before he fully registered what he was doing, Fenris had taken off for Darktown. 

Anders was in the midst of healing a slew of nasty cuts on some impoverished looking kids. Orphans were almost like rats in Darktown: disturbingly common and don't last long. The mage finished healing them and warned them to be more careful before sending them on their way. He did an obvious double take as he spied Fenris waiting uncomfortably and seemed to be searching for someone else-  _ Hawke. Obviously.  _ The elf fumed. He stepped forward and Anders spoke. 

“Did Hawke send you?” The apostate deadpanned.  _ Skipped the pleasantries. Good.  _ Fenris shook his head and opened his mouth to speak but Anders cut him off. “I don't suppose you've come to enlighten yourself about mages?” He said sarcastically.  _ Why doesn't he ever shut up about mages?  _

“No. I-...” Fenris found himself struggling.  _ What right did I have asking Anders any more than Hawke?  _ His emotions had made him rash and impulsive.  _ This would have gotten me killed in any other situation. _ “What are your intentions with Hawke?” Anders looked taken aback and raised a suspicious eyebrow. 

“I don't see how that's any of your business.”  _ Me neither.  _ A logical part of his mind agreed before Fenris stomped the thought down.

“Hawke is a good person. A good woman. If you play with her emotions, you won't live to gloat about it.” The mage didn't even flinch, instead glaring back at the elf for a moment before his eyebrows shot up in apparent realization. 

“You're  _ jealous _ .” Fenris’ face blanked defensively as the annoying mage stared at him incredulously. “You're actually jealous.  _ You _ have feelings for Hawke?” The apostate let out a small rueful laugh. 

“Nevermind. Hawke is too smart to ever truly be interested in you.” The elf muttered impulsively. That cut Anders’ laughing short as he glared at the elf. 

“And she'd be interested in  _ you _ ? Surely she'd want someone who isn't so closed-minded.” The apostate shot back. 

“I could say the same about you.” The two glowered at each other until Fenris turned and left. He highly regretted going to that blasted clinic in the first place and left knowing little more than he started. 

_ I should have asked Hawke. _

/

The pirate lounged on the couch as Hawke scrambled about- trying to ensure she had enough plates, cups, and alcohol to go around. Isabela grabbed the slightly frantic woman's arm as she passed by. 

“Would you relax? It's not a formal party. You're not wining and dining the king. We're just all getting drunk. Look, you have enough cups, enough snacks, and enough alcohol to drown us to next week. You're  _ fine. _ ” Hawke smiled sheepishly. 

“Yes. Sorry. Okay, I'll stop now.” She eyed the supplies again, quadruple-checking them before Isabela shoved her. “Okay! Okay! I'll go get dressed.” They laughed and made their way into Hawke's bedroom. Isabela promptly laid on Hawke's bed as she pulled clothes out of her dresser. 

“Oh, this is nice!” The pirate stretched out, luxuriously enjoying the silken sheets and winking at Hawke’s amused face. “You know, we have some time before the others get here…” Hawke picked up and threw a pillow at her playfully. 

“You're supposed to be helping me decide what to wear! Now, this or this?” Isabela sighed in parts mock and real disappointment before helping the woman select  _ obviously _ the most risque option. 

_ They won't know what hit them. _ She smirked proudly. 

/

She watched in amusement as the men- and Merrill- stopped short at the sight of Hawke wearing a lovely wrap dress with a dangerously low neckline.  _ I did good. _ Isabela smirked. Eventually, the whole crew made their way into the lounge and found their spot on the couches, armchairs or floor. Fenris and Anders had hilariously positioned themselves either side of Hawke and both seemed to compete for her attention. Cups of alcohol were quickly passed around and amusing recounts of the past few months were shared. Varric grinned the whole way through, no doubt storing all this in memory to write about later. 

“So,  _ Guard Captain _ ,” Aveline looked up at Isabela’s teasing grin. “Have you taken that cute guardsman to bed yet? Ordered him into your office and-" 

“Maker, no! That's… highly inappropriate.” Isabela sighed.  _ No fun. _

“Ugh, shame. Maybe if you'd get laid you wouldn't be such a stick in the mud all the time.” The others smirked in amusement and refilled their cups. 

“We can’t all always be trying to hump the nearest living thing, whore. Some of us actually have jobs to focus on.”  _ Okay, a little more fun. _ Isabela grinned. “Though if we're talking about people who do need to…  _ loosen up. _ ” The red headed guard lightly tossed a cube of cheese over at Hawke. She deftly caught it in her mouth and was awarded enthusiastic clapping from Merrill. 

“What do you mean? I don't need to loosen up. I'm loose.” Everyone snickered. “Wait, no. Not like-" Hawke fumbled over her words. 

“Not like Isabela?” Fenris supplied cheekily as the pirate slapped his arm lightly. 

“We were all thinking it.” Anders added with a smile, earning him a smack from Isabela as well. 

“I agree with all of that.” Varric dodged the incoming slap. “I mean, Hawke, when was the last time you've…” The dwarf trailed off with a knowing smirk. 

“I've been busy!” The woman in question defended herself. 

“Clearly not.” Isabela retorted. “I can think of at least ten people off the top of my head wanting to bed you, if you need help.” Hawke cringed and the men beside her bristled.

“I don't even want to know what kind of people you'd set me up with…” She shook her head as Isabela smiled coyly. 

“Well…” Everyone turned to Merrill. “Who would you consider? I-I mean, what kind of people  _ are  _ you interested in?” The elf’s ears turned red at all the attention. 

“Ooh! Good question, Kitten. How about this, top three most attractive people in Kirkwall according to Hawke. Let's hear it.” Isabela leaned back, ready as ever to judge. Varric grinned excitedly and the others leaned in, interested. 

“The top- oh, not a chance. I'm not going to-” Hawke looked around at the eager faces and sighed in defeat.  _ Ha! I win. _ Isabela cheered. “Fine. In no particular order, then.” Her nose scrunched up in concentration and she seemed to struggle with getting the first name out. “Anders.” She finally muttered. A genuine grin fell on the man’s face and even Isabela was taken aback at how devastatingly attractive he looked with a real smile-  _ and when he wasn't spouting off about ‘the mages this,’ ‘the templars that.’ That certainly helped. _

“Is that so?” The apostate murmured as he leaned toward Hawke, whose breath seemed to catch staring back at him. The blushing woman laughed and tore her eyes away. 

“Oh, don't get too excited. I said no particular order.” He didn't seem deterred. Hawke shook her head and collected herself. “Oh, ah, who else. Right. Fenris.”  _ Oh!  _ Isabela stifled a laugh.  _ That did it. _ Anders recoiled as disbelief and annoyance adorned his face. Fenris, on the other hand, now sported a sly smirk in response. 

“Good to know.” The elf's deep voice seemed lower than usual as he grinned at Hawke, who seemed to be growing steadily redder. 

“Go on!” Isabela encouraged. Hawke playfully glared at her and downed the rest of her cup before continuing. 

“Alright, alright! … Knight Captain Cullen.” Anders’ frown deepened. And the others grinned or raised an eyebrow. Merrill piped up a quiet ‘who?’ and Isabela quickly explained.

“A templar? This list is getting more and more questionable the lower we get.” The mage teased, half serious.  _ Don't you dare bring politics into this. It's just getting good.  _

“He’s a good man.” Hawke defended. “But that's not the point. He's… handsome.” Isabela smirked. 

“That's putting it mildly. I remember seeing him trying to interrogate someone at the Blooming Rose and I think half the place tried to hire him.” The pirate laughed. “But interesting choices, Hawke. Any runner ups?” Hawke let out an amused giggle. 

“Hm… Sebastian Vael.” The group looked at her questioningly before a look of realization dawned on Varric. 

“That noble boy who fancies himself a brother of the Chantry. The one we helped out a while back, right?” She nodded affirmatively and Anders scoffed. 

“Right. I remember meeting him.” Anders looked meaningfully down at Hawke and she looked away, blushing again. 

“An illegal apostate, a former elven slave, a high-ranking templar and a chantry noble. You have interesting tastes, Hawke.” Varric commented. “It sounds like the start of a joke, really.” She just nodded and downed the rest of her drink, avoiding everyone’s teasing looks. 

“Well, now that everyone's curiosity is sated.” Hawke refused to meet anyone's eyes and smiled slyly. “More drinks?” 

/

The night was winding down- Merrill had curled up into a sleeping ball long ago. Aveline had helped set up a slew of blankets and pillows on the ground before heading to sleep. Isabela was an incoherent mess of laughter that kept trying to get handsy with Hawke, much to Anders’ annoyance. Varric had found a spot in the corner to write up everything from the night. 

Anders and Fenris sighed in relief as Hawke joined them back in the lounge, breaking the awkward, annoyed tension. She smiled a bit blearily at them. 

“You look like you're doing remarkably well considering everything that happened.” Hawke looked up at Anders, eyebrows furrowed.  _ Cute.  _ He chuckled a bit resentfully. 

“Justice doesn't let me get drunk. Even if he did… Well, I don't know how much control I want to let slip anyways.” He explained.  _ Fenris better keep his mouth shut. A snide comment about how mages might all let loose is the last thing I need _ . Surprisingly, the elf was silent, simply appraising the two of them. She nodded slowly. “It's fine. Someone has to keep you on your feet.” He teased her slightly swaying form. Hawke put on another embarrassed smile that made Anders’ heart skip. 

“And for that, I thank you.” She leant her side against him and half-closed her eyes sleepily. “What about you, Fenris? How are you holding up?” The elf irritably watched as the mage held the woman upright.  _ Jealous, are you? _

“I'm fine. Do you need... assistance getting to bed?” Anders felt his arms tighten possessively around Hawke as the memory of the men’s conversation in the clinic resurfaced.  _ Don't even think about it. _ His eyes glared into Fenris’. Hawke chuckled obliviously. 

“I managed to drag Isabela across the room. I'm sure I can figure my way up the stairs. Maybe. Don't worry yourself.” Her slurring words did nothing to sate their concern. 

“I'll take care of her.” Anders offered forcefully. Fenris glared distrustfully at him before shaking his head and addressing Hawke. 

“Shout if you need anything. I'll be alert for a little while longer.”  _ A warning in case she needed help. Is that really necessary?  _ Anders scoffed. 

“Are you really that concerned just because she'll be alone with a mage?” He demanded. Fenris glowered at him. Hate seeming to emanate off of his body. 

“No.” And with that, the elf turned away to set up his makeshift bed. Hawke frowned and stumbled forward, her hand reaching out toward Fenris. The apostate quickly caught her and adjusted her so he held her princess-style in his arms. He whisked her off to her bedroom as she mumbled quietly. 

“What was that?” Anders asked, resting her on the bed and sitting beside her. She frowned drowsily. 

“I said I wish you two would get along.” He contemplated that as his hands laid the blanket over her.  _ What do I say to that? ‘Me too’? At this point, even that's not true.  _

“Maybe if he actually understood the injustice that the circle-" His rant was cut off by a sudden finger pressed against his lips. If it was anyone else, he'd probably be offended instead of marveling at the fact that she was touching his lips. 

“I know.” That understanding voice that he’d grown to adore spoke. “You've lived that injustice. But Fenris has lived his life seeing the worst mages have to offer.”  _ And he takes his anger out on innocent people. My people. I fight for change. He fights for revenge. _ Anders’ retort was lost as her bright eyes locked onto his. She gazed up at him, her eyes sobering. She looked like a vision: her laying form, the blanket silhouetting her lovely body as it outlined her waist and hips, the way the room glowed around them as the sun threatened to rise, her watchful caring eyes, her parted inviting lips. Anders swallowed hard as his eyes hungrily took in the sight.  _ Damn it. Leave now before you change your mind.  _ He reminded himself, looking away. 

“I'll… think on that. I should go sleep.” The temptation was starting to overtake him. Hawke sat up to level with him and took his hand. 

“Anders.” He turned at her whisper. “Stay?”  _ Andraste's blood, this is painful.  _ Lust shot down his body at her soft, suggestive tone. But it was more. There was a yearning in him that he’d never felt before. Not even with Karl. He sorely wanted to kiss her and stay. Even if nothing else happened.  _ Resist. You'll hurt her in the long run.  _ His mind warned against her whisper.  _ I shouldn't. _ The words refused to come out. Anders just smiled sadly and took her face gently in his hands before leaning forward and pressing a long, soft kiss on her forehead. 

“Sleep well, sweetheart.”  _ Sweet dreams, my love. _ He murmured, standing up.  _ Damn, I need a cold bath.  _ As he made his way back into the foyer, he saw Fenris leaning against the wall expectantly. The elf nodded stiffly in approval at the mage’s reappearance. The two regarded each other coldly before silently joining the others in the makeshift sleeping area. 

/

The sound of voices woke Varric with a start. He winced and cracked his back, slightly sore from sleeping contorted in the armchair. The room was quiet, only the occasional snore sounding out. But beyond that, a small mumble could be heard coming from the foyer. The dwarf tiptoed around the sleeping forms and peeked out. 

Two people were talking on the upper level.  _ What's Daisy doing up so early? _ Varric slipped out of the room and stealthily crept closer to overhear. 

“Of course, Merrill. I'm always here to listen.” Hawke finished. Her classic, comforting smile was almost audible. Merrill laughed meekly. 

“You always listen. No one else ever does. And you  _ understand _ . I've… never met anyone like you.”  _ Oh, no.  _ A sense of dread filled Varric as Merrill stuttered nervously.  _ Daisy, you poor, sweet girl. What are you doing?  _ He winced mentally. “And your friendship has meant so much to me. So much. But… I wanted to know-" 

“Good morning, you two.” The nervous elf jumped as Varric appeared behind her. Hawke smiled tiredly, soft dark shadows under her eyes. 

“Morning, Varric. Sleep well?” He nodded, yawning. “Hell of a night. I'm sure you have lots to write about.” She smirked 

“Don't worry, I'll leave out the bit where you and Rivaini danced on the table. Maybe.” The dwarf teased. Merrill smiled uncomfortably and stuttered a half-excuse about needing to find Isabela before leaving. 

Hawke frowned as she walked away. 

“Daisy likes you, you know.” The woman sighed and leaned against the railing. 

“I guess that explains why she's always giving me things and wanting to hold my hand.”  _ She sounds exhausted.  _ Varric frowned. “I'll have a talk with her later.” 

“Are you… okay, Hawke? I can have a talk with her if you need to take it easy.” He offered. She smiled gratefully but shook her head ‘no’. “I take it you're going to let her down easy?” She winced uncomfortably and nodded. 

“Merrill is a great girl.” Hawke said quietly. “A little crazy, sure. But she's our kind of crazy.” They grinned at each other for a moment before she looked away again. “Just not for me. Maybe any kind of relationship isn't in the cards for me right now.” She murmured, a sad edge to her voice. Varric raised an eyebrow. 

“Want to talk about it? I'm told I'm a great listener.” Hawke eyed him suspiciously. “Promise this won't end up in the book... Unless you change your mind later.” She laughed half-heartedly and shrugged. 

“Oh, where to start. Maybe I just feel pathetic for pining after the same man for what- a little over three years now?” Varric was surprised. He didn't actually expect her to open up.  _ Things really are bothering her, huh. You'd never expect her love life to be hard. Well, maybe a little. Nothing's ever easy for Hawke.  _ He thought pitifully. “I feel like a stupidly romantic girl with a hopeless crush.” Hawke rolled her eyes. “I sound ridiculous even talking about it.” Varric patted her arm comfortingly. 

“Honestly, Hawke. It doesn't take a genius to see how you feel about Blondie.” She ducked her head in shame. The dwarf chuckled. “But there are other options out there and maybe you can find something closer to home than, oh- I don't know, a possessed mage?” She grinned. 

“His clinic is right under the mansion. It'll be harder to find something  _ closer to home. _ ” Varric scoffed, and stared at Hawke in mock unamusement. 

“I'm just saying you should explore your options. You're a stunning, smart, strong woman. You'll have no trouble finding a place to start.” She looked down at him in fake surprise. 

“Is that an offer, Varric? Oh, nevermind. Let me guess, Bianca is already sneering at me as we speak.” Hawke joked light heartedly. The crossbow was in the other room but Varric still nodded and grinned. 

“My girl doesn't share, sorry to disappoint. But I mean it. You deserve some happiness, Hawke.” The two shared another genuine, friendly, sleepy smile.  _ She really does. If Blondie doesn't stop being an idiot then maybe Broody, or even Rivaini, can step up to the plate. Well, if Hawke ever realizes that they're sweet on her.  _

“Thanks, Varric.” 

/

_ Is this love? _

The thought had crossed Merrill’s mind a million times. And every time it did, her heart started flitting like a hummingbird’s wings. 

_ HawkeHawkeHawke.  _ She felt like she was going crazy.  _ What if she didn't feel the same? _ Of course the elf wondered. The pure fear of losing the best friend she's ever had made her want to break down. Honestly, she wasn't sure if she liked this feeling or despised it. She'd been laying in bed all morning with her thoughts swimming like excited fish in her head. Varric had come to check up on her after their run in with those awful bandits yesterday. Merrill's face flushed in embarrassment. She'd been such a fool! Getting hurt by her own spellcasting right in front of Hawke? She knew better! But waking up in Hawke's arms as she carried the dizzy elf back to the alienage almost made it worth it. Merrill sighed dreamily.  _ She's so wonderful. _

“Damn it, Daisy. What's the point of a lock if you're not going to use it? Anyone could just walk in the front door.” Varric's voice made her jump. She huffed, but her childish retort turned into a stuttering mess as Hawke also rounded the corner into view. Her black hair was messed up, as usual, and dirt stained her armor. But she smiled her smile and Merrill goofily stared back before shaking her head quickly.

“Hawke! And Varric! Oh, you should have told me you were coming. I'd have cleaned. It was  _ just  _ clean, I swear.” She hurriedly began tidying the place up as the two chuckled.  _ Creators, this is so embarrassing. I'm an awful host.  _ Merrill felt someone touch her arm and she jumped again before turning and nearly squealing at the sight of Hawke so close to her. 

“It's  _ okay _ , Merrill.” She said reassuringly.  _ Hawke always knows what to say. It's as if she can read my mind sometimes.  _ The dark haired woman raised an eyebrow before laughing suddenly.  _ Oh no.  _ The elf's face paled before she spoke. 

“I'm thinking out loud again, aren't I? Oh, dear.” The two others just nodded, smiling in amusement. “Thank goodness I didn't think anything too embarrassing.”  _ Her laugh is so pretty. _ She mused. Hawke coughed suddenly.  _ Oh, halla droppings. I did it again.  _ The small mage’s ears felt warm as she looked away. She heard Varric say something about giving them privacy before Hawke spoke. 

“Merrill… I think we should talk.” Hope fluttered in her chest as she looked into Hawke's bright, serious eyes.  _ Maybe it's finally happening. Could it be?  _

_ Maybe I finally have my chance. _

/

After the second knock, the door opened. Sandal chirped his usual ‘Enchantment!’ before Bodahn pulled him aside and greeted the tense elf. Fenris nodded in thanks and stormed in, headed toward the laughter in the sitting area. He froze awkwardly at the sight of Hawke's mother and some other noblewomen chatting and having tea before silently backing out of the room. _Damn it, Hawke. Where are you?_ On cue, the woman emerged on the upper floor from the bathroom in only a robe, drying her damp hair with a towel. She didn't seem to notice the awe-struck elf as she walked into her bedroom. He stalked upstairs but hesitated outside the doorway, studying her. Dark shadows colored under her brilliant eyes. Her movements looked slow--tired as she finished drying her hair. _Perhaps I shouldn't bother her…_ He contemplated before taking a small step forward. _No._

“Hawke.” The startled woman whirled around in slight panic but relaxed at the sight of him. Her warm smile threatened to soften his gaze but he held strong, trying to ignore her  _ only wearing a robe. Stop. What is wrong with me?  _

“Fenris! If I knew I'd be having company I would have worn something more…” Hawke looked down at herself before sheepishly grinning at him, “... presentable.” He shook his head. 

“You look fine. No, better-... Nevermind.”  _ Shut up.  _ He hated how stupid he felt around her. “I need to ask you something.” The statement held in the air awkwardly as she stared at him. 

“You sound so serious. Should I sit down?” She teased, plopping down onto the bed. The sight of her lounging on her bed clad in a robe sent distracting thoughts across his mind.  _ Focus.  _

“I have no right to ask, but I must know.” Fenris took a deep breath. _ Here we go.  _ “You and Anders.” Her smile dropped. 

“That's not a question.” His pointed glare pierced through her avoiding comment and she sighed. “There isn't much to say. I want more than he can give so nothing will come of it.”  _ At least she didn't deny it.  _ Fenris wouldn't have had the patience to pry it out of her. But her admittance to her feelings for the mage still stung. Hawke's eyes bored into his own. “Anything else?” Her honesty took him by surprise yet again.  _ I believe her. I trust her.  _ It frightened him. He shook his head and the two were quiet for a moment. 

“You're a beautiful woman, Hawke. Only a fool would turn you down.” The elf hesitantly murmured. He wasn't sure what his aim was with saying that, but her wry smile was welcome. 

“Did you just insult yourself?”  _ What? Oh-.  _ Memories of their kiss flooded his mind as his cheeks reddened. His eyes darted away from hers sheepishly.  _ I suppose I did turn her down.  _

“... Yes.” Fenris couldn't help but smile at her infectious laughter. He'd smiled more these past few years than in his entire life previously.  _ She is… incredible. _ It was too easy to lose himself in her sparklingly playful eyes. 

“I almost thought you'd forgotten.” Hawke started coyly. The tattooed elf had a love-hate relationship with that smirk. It had a tendency to get his blood pumping like he was under attack. He cleared his throat awkwardly, almost embarrassed. As if he could forget even if he wanted to. As if he didn't dream of that moment over and over, the memory of her lips on his taunting him. 

“Impossible.” His eyes locked on hers again and he saw the shift in her eyes. The teasing air changing to a far more tense one. “I could not forget even if I tried. And I don't want to.” They stared into one another for another few heartbeats before Hawke turned away and laughed breathily. 

“Fenris, you charmer.” The elf raised an eyebrow. “What's a girl to say to that?”  _ A girl. _ He almost laughed.  _ That… does not suit her.  _ The image of Hawke being a soft, blushing, young lady clad in whimsical dresses and romantic naivete was unnerving.  _ No.  _ Fenris smiled slightly.  _ A fighter, a leader, a protector, a tactician, a mediator.  _ The things he admired her for.  _ A joker. A flirt.  _ The things that drove him crazy. His eyes were caught by her adjusting her sitting position, crossing her legs, just barely covered by her robe. Fenris swallowed.  _ A woman. A beautiful woman.  _

“Say whatever you want. It's the truth.” He cast his eyes down, feeling small. It was almost a confession.  _ She must know.  _ He thought shamefully.  _ I… am unworthy. Of her. Of her affection.  _ It shocked him how badly he wanted it. Wanted to know what she thought of him. What she felt for him, if she felt anything at all. How had he become so invested in her opinion?  _ A pointless question.  _ His heart chastised.  _ You know how. You care for her.  _ It seemed to whisper to his brain. He felt her fingers, demanding yet gentle, tilting his face to see hers. When she had stood up and stepped toward him, he didn't remember. But her bright, thoughtful eyes shone into his muddled, conflicted ones.  _ She means more than anyone ever has. I would give everything for her.  _ It terrified him. The way Hawke had more power over him than Danarius ever did without ever forcing her hand was terrifying. She could destroy him with a word. She could break his will with a single motion. It would be easy. All his sense of logic was nearly gone with her. Fenris opened his mouth but snapped it shut quickly before he said something stupid like-

_ I love you. _

Pathetic. Pathetic. He mentally berated himself. Shut up.  _ I cannot. It cannot be.  _ A measure of defense rose up; a defiance flaring against his impulses. Hawke raised an eyebrow as he stepped back, his guarded stance, the doubtlessly defensive darkness in his eyes. 

“I must go.” The warrior murmured curtly, turning and walking away. He expected her to protest and despised the disappointment that coursed through him at her silence.  _ Acceptance. Did she want me to go?  _ As he made his way to the stairs, he heard a soft sigh.  _ Disappointment?  _ He wondered.  _ Is that wishful thinking or an observation?  _ Fenris thought sarcastically. He hated himself. For being so drawn to her, for growing so attached to Kirkwall, for becoming so complacent against Danarius, for being so distracted by Hawke, for leaving her the way he did that night, for walking away again now. 

_ I love you. I love you. Don't let me leave. _ His footsteps whispered sadly before he shut the front door behind him.


End file.
